Random Bits 5
by Nashiil
Summary: Chapter 5 is up! A routine shopping trip goes terribly wrong when Wakka pilots the Celcius!
1. Chapter 1

Sorry readers. I had to repost this fic because of several spelling errors. I think I've corrected them all now, so enjoy the chapter...again. And I once again appologize for the unusually cruel length of time that I didn't post anything.

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Title: Random Bits 5 – Chapter 1

Setting: Another day in Spria is coming to a close. The sun is sinking below the horizon (or being swallowed by a dragon, depending on your cultural belief system) as Spira's heroes cruise through the sky.

**Kilika Island** – Our heroes have spent the day in Kilika shopping for rare items, weapons, and items needed for living. Having borrowed the Celcius, they are now returning to Besaid. As night falls the vanquishers of Sin have succumbed to exhaustion and left Tidus, Wakka, and Rikku flying the ship. Tidus has proved to be a fairly good pilot, but Rikku is falling asleep, leaving the crew with a small problem.

"Does this thing have auto-pilot?" Tidus attempted to ask around a yawn. Receiving now reply from Rikku, he craned his neck to look across the bridge to her cockpit.

"Rikku. Rikku?"

"I think she's asleep brudda." Wakka said quietly, peering down at the sleeping figure in the cockpit. His statement subsequently prevented the young blitzball star from chucking his shoe at the poor girl to get her attention. Apparently their all day shopping trip had worn the normally spunky Rikku out. Even Tidus had slowed down a bit, but not from the boredom exhibited by most males during shopping trips. Unlike Auron and Wakka, he had enjoyed the shopping expedition, still eager to see all the strange new things in Spira. (He wasn't sure if Kimahri had enjoyed the trip or not. The Ronso didn't seem to care where he was or what he was doing as long as he was looming discouragingly behind Yuna.) He was beginning to understand why Wakka and Auron loathed shopping in female company though.

It's one of the many Differences Between Men and Women. One of these differences is Men and Women Shop Differently. Both begin the same, but end up drastically different and several hours later. Men enter a store and head straight for what they need, ignoring the bargain, reduced to sell, discount bins, and cute items designed to lure in the weak willed. Upon obtaining the items the male shopper heads straight for the register, pays and leaves. Forgotten items are picked up at the gas station on the way home if they are remembered.

Women enter the store, dig through all the bins, wander through every isle (occasionally adding something that was actually on the list to the basket), pick over the cute things, talk to friends they bump into, take friends to dig through bins, and discuss new items. They then have entire conversations about items in friend's basket, look for items in friend's basket try, then finally make it to the register, pay and leave. (If a check is used this adds extra time.) Return trip is made for forgotten items and beginning steps are repeated.

Tidus climbed out of his cockpit, stretching before crossing the bridge to gallantly sweep Rikku into his arms and stride off the bridge, leaving Wakka properly impressed. Well, that was what he had planned on doing. What really happened was Tidus becoming subject to the Law of Disproportionate Mass. This law states that some small objects, for unknown reasons, are denser than they appear. (This law also applies to small elderly women, toddlers, and Wakka's head.) It also states that the density of an object is doubled when the object is sleeping.

Tidus lifted Rikku, staggering and doing a complicated jig/juggling routine to prevent dropping her as he made his way to the door. He finally found his balance by draping the girl over his neck like a shepherd, and then used her foot to press the button to open the door. (It was a complete disaster and a serious blow to his Ego, but worst of all Wakka didn't appear to give flip.)

"Put it on auto-pilot." He called as he left the bridge, crestfallen. "I think its on Rikku's console."

Leaving Wakka alone on the bridge, the boy made his way to the Cabin, Rikku getting heavier with each step. The beginning of his journey was mostly uneventful, except for a brief moment of terror in which he encountered Auron around the corner.

"Don't do that!" Tidus hissed, flapping an arm at the Unsent warrior. (Hey, have you ever encountered and old person around a corner at night?) Auron 'harrumphed' then twitched his eyebrows in indication of Rikku, who was gently swaying with the boy's movements.

"Oh, she fell asleep, so I'm gonna drop her off with Lulu and Yuna." Tidus replied, Auron falling into step beside him.

Auron grinned into his collar as the blond struggled to carry the Al Bhed girl and make it look easy. He was beginning to wonder if she would be 'dropped off' before they even made it to the Cabin. His pondering was interrupted as a frightening thought broke the surface of his thoughts like a shark beside and unsuspecting raft in a bad horror movie.

"Tell me Wakka isn't flying the ship."

"Of course not! I'm not stupid you know. I told him to put it on auto-pilot."

The Guardian relaxed, the shark slipping beneath the waters, only to explode to the surface bigger and meaner.

"Wakka's putting it on auto-pilot?"

"Yeah."

"Aren't the controls in Al Bhed?"

"Yeeeees, so?"

The Legendary Guardian groaned and spun a frustrated circle.

"Wakka can't read Al Bhed!"

"What! Why not?" Tidus turned a few frantic circles of his own, pummeling the older man with Rikku's feet.

"At the time it was against Yevon." Auron spat. Tidus was dumbstruck. Even he could read Al Bhed and he was still considered a tourist.

The two Guardians locked gazes, a plan of action forming as instantaneously as a bomb exploding. In a brief flurry of movement Tidus dumped Rikku on Auron, both knowing that Tidus was the fastest runner. Running with Super Tidus Speed (which is almost as fast as Scared Tidus Speed), he had enough time to notice that Auron was holding the girl with no apparent effort as he 'hurried' behind him.

Skidding around the corner at top speed Tidus used the opposite wall to ricocheted himself to the door. His theory worked. Unfortunately he had to use his face to stop himself. With a sound similar to a pumpkin striking a sidewalk, Tidus fetched up against the door. Auron rushed up behind him and slapped the door open, booting the stunned blond through the door.

Bursting onto the bridge (well Auron and Rikku burst, Tidus flailed onto the floor) they were met with a strange anti-chaos. Wakka was sitting calmly in the cockpit with his feet up on the console. He glanced back at them innocently as Auron and Tidus stared around the ship in tense disbelief.

"What's up?" Wakka called, his greeting going unheard as the other two Guardians went into a huddle.

"No flames or exploding panels." Tidus muttered, eyes careening nervously around the ship.

"No sirens or alarms either." Auron replied in the hushed tones of one who knows what should be happening, but finds the opposite.

"We're still in the air."

"Everything seems normal."

"Could you put me down now?"

The conversation continued for a few moments, Auron and Tidus wanting to make absolutely sure that noting disastrous was happening, Wakka's attempts at communication going unnoticed. A moment later Wakka decided that he had preferred being ignored when two and a half pair of eyes locked on him, a tense stillness settling around him.

"I, uh, got the auto-pilot set."

"Great!" Rikku replied after a short delay in which Wakka discovered how a hunter feels after stepping on a nest of alligator eggs, and finds that the mother has a few questions for him.

Auron was just beginning to relax when he felt a soft jolt.

"Are you sure you set it right?"

"Of course!" Wakka replied with injured Ego, striding to the cockpit and viciously jabbing a finger at a flashing green light.

"See? The little light says it set." There was a sudden rush for the cockpit as Auron, Tidus, and Rikku crowded around the console. As one they tensed, gripping the console so hard that it groaned in protest. Holding their faces close to the little light, they shared that tight-jawed, wide-eyed expression that accompanies the act of trying to force your eyes to believe that, yes, that's exactly what you think it is. (It also accompanies severe constipation and moments when your kids tell your boss what you think of him.)

"You (Here Auron said something in Hypello that roughly translates to :One-who-is-considerably-lacking-in-higher-brain-function-and-is-of-uncertain-parentage.) That says Fuel Dump!" The Legendary Guardian roared, repeatedly slapping the red-haired man on the back of the head, as if by slapping him enough, he could pound the Al Bhed language into it. Tidus' head ached in sympathy, having felt the Hand of Justice many times before.

"Who has a fuel dump button on their ship!" He continued with a snarl.

"That's like installing a self-destruct switch."

"Um, well…it's got one of those too…" Rikku squeaked in embarrassment as the three men turned to regard her with varying degrees of disbelief (Okay, so one of them was a boy and the other was an idiot).

Shaking his head, the Unsent warrior slapped on the intercom as they ship lurched and began a gentle downward glide that wouldn't last long.

"Everyone brace yourselves. The Red-Haired Wonder just dumped the fuel."

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Thanks to those of you who reviewed. I would like to thank each of you individually with the reply feature, but I still don't trust my computer. So, thanks to everyone who reviewed, and to those who didn't. I'm just glad people are actually reading this nonsense! 


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, I just realized that I have made a horrible geographical error. Killika is nowhere near the Sanubia Desert. So, let's just pretend that it is...

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Title: Random Bits 5 – Chapter 2

Setting: On the way back from a shopping trip things have gone horribly wrong.

**Sanubia Desert** – Dropping from the sky. Screaming, shouting, stumbling, and general panic.

With a final sputter like a chain smoker on a humid day, the Celcius dropped out of the sky. To the casual observer it would appear that the screaming sound was produced by the wind as the ship rocketed through it, but it was in fact a product of the unfortunate passengers inside the ship. On its way down the ship plummeted through a group of migrating Zus, massacring most of the flock. The subsequent carnage resulted in a rain of pre-cut meat which fell upon an encamped tribe of starving nomads, who were in the act of worshiping Yevon in the hopes of gaining his favor (an possibly a free meal).

Having been slowed somewhat by the Zu flock, the Celcius thunked into the desert floor, bounced off a concealed and very surprised Sandworm, and slammed into a dune in a shower of sand. Despite their descent being slowed, the passengers had had a terrifying ride. Wakka and Tidus had clung together in the middle of the bridge, screaming like frightened girls, while everyone else found something to hold on to. At the moment of impact everyone rattled around like beans in a tin, except for Aruon who had exploded in a cloud of pyre-flies and reformed unharmed.

A cacophony of moans and groans accompanied the Guardians and their Summoner as they emerged from the ship (after they had pried Kimahri of the bulkhead). The stranded companions gathered wearily around a small fire and ate a late dinner of charred Zu, which had been scraped off the hull. No one mentioned names, pointed fingers, or stared laying blame, but there sure were a lot of sharp glances, reproachful glares and dirty looks aimed at Wakka.

"Oh…poopie!" Rikku spat in a whiny tone that was as close to an angry snarl as she ever came.

"The radio is busted and our navigation system is down."

Everyone gathered around the sphere lying on the floor in two halves.

"We can fix it, ya?" This was asked with the optimism of the technically ignorant. Auron looked at Tidus and began a mental countdown as the little Sin spawn got that look about him that suggested he was thinking. Lulu was also watching the boy, her mental 'stupidity weather cock' pointing straight at the approaching storm.

"Yeah," Tidus said adopting the tone of self-appointed tech-wizards everywhere.

"I think I can rig something. Gimme a hand with this Wakka."

Kimahri quickly ushered Yuna and Rikku off on and expedition to the kitchens, just in case something exploded. Auron and Lulu watched in hopeless silence as Wakka and Tidus screwed up their only hope of rescue. Lulu made and amused noise as the two mechanics wrangled the halves of the sphere together _then _looked for something to hold it together with. The result was a long silence in which they stared at the sphere in stony concentration, long rusted mental gears struggling to move. There was a nearly audible 'clonk' as an idea managed to get the mental crank going

"I know just the thing!" Tidus exclaimed suddenly, shattering the silence with an unnecessary shout. He scrambled to his feet, gears whining away at an accelerating speed, several rust flakes pattering to the dusty floor. Striking a pose he spun like a whirlwind and sprinted out the door, sneakers smoking. Auron and Lulu turned to Wakka, who was wrapped around the sphere, like a quail suffering a maternal crisis. The bridge became silent, except for a muffled wheeze that sounded suspiciously like a laugh.

Before Wakka could wonder if he was being laughed at Tidus returned. The boy skidded to a halt with a roll of shaft-adhesive thrust out in front of him. (Shaft-adhesive, Spira's answer to duct-tape. It's used in the same manner too, ie. For everything.) Tidus quickly taped the two halves of the sphere together, running the roll around it several times in compliance with the saying: More is better. After manhandling the sphere back on its stand they switched it on.

The orb remained stubbornly dark. Lulu and Auron watched as the two repairmen resorted to the tried-and-true techniques employed to fix technology around the universe. In short, they slapped and banged on the little bugger.

"Your half's upside down." Tidus hissed accusingly.

"How do you know it's _my _half? Maybe _your_ half's upside down."

The fight escalated to shoving and name-calling as the two continued bickering. It was the kind of fight common in schoolyards wherever kindergarteners are present, and involved classics like 'doodie face' and 'stupid head'.

Auron and Lulu left the two to their fight in favor of discussing more important matters, like finding food, water, and surviving in general.

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I'll just pray for reviews on this one. 


	3. Chapter 3

I apologize again for taking so long to update. My laptop shut itself down for good two weeks ago. It means I have to use a computer at work, (which erases all of my files from my disks). I had all of my fics and drawing projects saved to the CD that is now stranded in my laptop.(Maybe I should ask Tidus and Wakka for help?) Sad Nashiil

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Title: Random Bits 5 – Chapter 3

**Sanubia Desert** – Unknown location - Its hot and every one is tired and hungry. Tidus is bored guarding the new nation of Crash Site.

Tidus finished picking through their supplies for edible food and sighed. It had been nearly two hours since Auron and Kimahri had gone hunting and Tidus was about to go insane with heat, thirst, and boredom. He had been ordered to stay behind and 'protect the women'. Judging by the lump on his shin, they could protect themselves just fine. (That's the last time he would offer them sunscreen!) As far as he was concerned a fiend coming upon the camp would need protection from _them. _

Throughout history women have been left behind to take care of the home or colony. This is not because females are unsuitable for war, but a brilliant tactical move designed to utterly destroy one's enemy. Bandits or opposing armies seeing a village or community left unprotected by the men, mistakenly see an opportunity to increase their borders, supplies, or money. They plan on sweeping in, scaring the women into submission and plundering to their hearts content. What happens is the poor buggers are faced with an entire village of angry women, with terrified children hiding behind their skirts, ready to fight to the death with kitchen and garden implements. Any survivors are left permanently maimed, to crawl away with a newfound respect for women.

Tidus watched Lulu, Yuna, and Wakka wading through the scorching sand, reminding him of large cats with weak bladders, as they buried more water collection containers. Rikku was currently squatting beside one of the containers, watching the condensation form one drop at a time. The incredible sophisticated system consisted of a tin can, plastic wrap, and a pebble.

Watching the fist few drops of water slowly form and tremble at the bottom of pebble before dropping into the bottom of the tin had quickly grown old. At the rate things were going they would probably have enough water for one of them to drink by nightfall. Tidus was thirsty now. Slipping around behind the Celcius, the blond set out to find his own water.

Auron dropped the Sandwolf and plunked down in the shade of a sand dune to rest. He glared down at Kimahri's kill with a snort of derision. It was almost too scrawny to eat, but it was a lot better than the decaying Sandworm they had used as bait. Not even the Alcyone had seemed interested in it, giving it a wide berth as soon as they came in range of the corpse gases. The only scavenger desperate enough to brave the smell had been the Sandwolf.

Auron eyed Kimahri, who seemed interested in the horizon, and remembered the hunt. Auron had planned on hitting the Sandwolf with a Sleep spell, but the Ronso had had other ideas. It wasn't so much an idea as instinct as the leonine humanoid crouched and wriggled as he prepared to launch his attack. He settled into position, tail twitching as the fiend closed on the rotting worm-fiend.

The starving Sandwolf slunk up to the rotting corpse and began gorging itself on the putrid flesh. The fetid stench kicked Auron in the nose and danced away laughing. The worm was crawling with flies, yet the fiend was gulping it down as if it were prime rib. Who knows, maybe after days of eating small rodents and possibly its own feces, it probably did taste good.

Braving the stench, Kimahri leapt out like a leopard on a National Geographic documentary and took the fiend down. Auron sighed as Kimahri shook the fiend by the neck to make sure it was dead, and then dragged it away by the head. And thus dinner was acquired.

The Legendary Guardian was jarred out of the recent past by an elbow to the ribs that nearly flung him over top their dinner. Sitting up, he looked down the length of Kimahri's hairy arm to a cluster of small dots in the distance. By squinting he could make out his companions trailing Tidus (who was shirtless and walking backwards) through the sand. With Kimahri setting out to join Yuna, Auron had no choice but to follow.

"He figured out how to find water!" Rikku squealed in excitement as Auron and Kimahri joined the group.

"He's using a cactuar as a reverse dousing rod." She continued. The Unsent warrior looked at the young blond who was walking backwards with a struggling cactuar tied to a stick. Apparently the theory was that all cacti hated water and since Cactuar are similar to the common cactus, they would always point in the opposite direction from any water source. It became obvious that the heat and possible sunstroke (if the 3rd degree sunburn was any indication) had affected the boy's brain, inducing an unusual state of intelligence.

The one-eyed Guardian moved closer to the boy, wondering what he was muttering about. Auron was taken aback, realizing that Tidus was holding an ongoing, mumbled monologue.

"I think it's the physics of gravity." Yuna offered helpfully, a little unnerved by her friend's odd behavior. Unsure as to where they were, were they were going, and if they were ever going to get back to the ship, there was no other choice but to follow Tidus.

It was an hour later when the expedition stumbled into and oasis, Tidus' dousing rod desperately struggling to run in the opposite direction. Still muttering to himself Tidus stuck his dousing rod into a handy dune and crouched to scribble the chemical composition of Dual Horn spit into the sand. His friends thought they saw smoke coming out of his ears.

Fearing for the future health of the boy's frail brain cells (and Yuna's happiness), Auron picked him up, ignoring the screams of agony (sunburns hurt you know), and tossed him into the water. He swore the water boiled before the blitzball player surfaced with a sputter.

"That's for your little water fiend prank at the Spring." The older Guardian said as Tidus frog-stroked to the bank. It had been the farthest thought from his mind, but it was a lot better than letting the little Sin Spawn know he had been worried.

"What is that stench?" Lulu inquired, nose wrinkling in disgust. The others gagged as they got a good whiff of the Sandwolf.

"Holy Yevon! Something stinks." Wakka gagged.

"That would be our dinner." Auron strode to where he had dropped the fiend, and raised it by the tail. He paused and brushed some of the sand off of the stiff carcass. A few flies buzzed around the fiend in uncertainty.

"Please tell me you didn't just _find_ it." Rikku whined. Kimahri lashed his tail at the insult to his hunting skills, ears cocked at an irritated angle.

"Kimahri _kill_!" He snarled, tapping his chest with a fist, then crossing his arms in a Ronso pout.

"Of course!" Yuna replied quickly "Everyone knows Kimahri is an excellent hunter."

There was a chorus of agreement from everyone within pouncing distance. Pride salved, Kimahri went about the grisly task of skinning the fiend.

Tidus' brain having cooled down enough to come out of its state of intelligence, decided it was time to let the cactuar go. Besides, He wanted to impress the girls with his creature handling skills. It was a skill that was mostly in his head. Its similar to people who claim to be 'great with kids'. Such statements are usually punctuated by biting, kicking, and yelps of pain.

Tidus strolled over to the captive cactuar and squatted down in front of it. Grasping the little creature gingerly by one if its little brown 'hairs', he cut the ropes and gently set it down. Yuna looked up from watching Tidus adoringly as she heard a strange hissing sound.

"What's that noise?" She asked, moving closer to Tidus as her companions bunched around her like startled cockroaches when the bathroom light comes on.

"Is there such a thing as a sand-avalanche?" Wakka chuckled nervously.

Yuna looked back at Kimahri, since his ears were keener, but he has no longer looming behind her. He was at the moment, safely hidden in the palm tree Yuna was standing under. (He's the large hairy blue thing between the leaves and the coconut on the left.) Most animals possess the ability to sense impending disasters, danger, and visits from the in-laws (who fall under the category of evil). It comes in handy when you spend your days trying to scrounge a meal while trying to avoid becoming one.

With a rushing hiss, the entire cactuar nation spilled into the oasis. Auron looked up from his prestigious task of burying dog guts to find himself, and their temporary camp, surrounded by hundreds of prickly fiends. He had never liked the little buggers. They spent their days dancing and giggling, and in Auron's opinion, there was something wrong with that.

The Nation stood stone still, most of them balancing on one foot, as they took in the scene. Tidus blew a few grains of sand off the cactuar he had set free.

"There you go little guy...or, um...girl." He said cheerfully "No harm done."

Not being the brightest desert specie, the cactuars looked at the cut rope, the stick, and the free cactuar, and then came to the conclusion that Tidus had _rescued_ it.

The air was filled with a clamor of giggles as cactuars popped into the air, back flipping in joy. Chittering in excitement, they dispersed throughout the camp to investigate Yuna and her Guardians.

"They're so cute!" Yuna and Rikku said in unison as the little creatures danced around them. Lulu smiled in agreement as one of the little fiends presented her with a flower.

"Thank you. How sweet." Wrapping her hand in her sleeve, Lulu patted the cactuar on the head. It chittered and scooted around in a circle, then skittered away to find more flowers.

Lulu soon found herself mobbed by little green cacti, all fighting to be the first to give her their flowers. Looking for help, she saw none in Wakka, who was trying to shake hands with a cactuar. Auron was having trouble escaping his Legendary status, and Kimahri was hissing at the little fiends from his tree.

Tidus was attempting to converse with his new friend. The succulent regarded him with what could have been any number of emotions, then tentatively scooted closer and kicked the boy in the shin. Pride was whacked over the head, by a pressing need for sympathy and shoved into a closet between the box of Embarrassing Memories and the proverbial Skeleton. He was on his way to show Yuna his 'owie' when he saw Lulu in trouble.

"I'll save you Lulu!" Tidus proclaimed valiantly, wading through the mob of cactuars. He had just the rescue plan in mind. His Heroic Entrance was a bit spoiled as he hopped and flailed through the crowd of prickly bodies, his progress punctuated by yelps.

Reaching the Black Mage, Tidus scooped her up and here his plan went horribly wrong. Lulu proved heavier than Rikku, Tidus putting it down to her knockers. He also forgot about his sunburn. The Son of Jecht screamed and staggered under the girl's weight, not wanting to hold her, but not wanting to drop her either. Every nerve in his burnt skin flared as if he were hit by Fira. Lulu complicated matters by clinging to him, fearful of the sea of prickly cactuars scurrying beneath her.

Things got comically worse from here, Tidus' companions snickering as several cactuars got stuck to the hem of Lulu's dress. Tidus whirled around amidst the fleeing cacti, screaming and yelping. Tripping on a cactuar that was too slow to get out of the way, Tidus and Lulu fell into the scorching sand. The grains of sand dug into his back, and with a strength born of pain, he shoved Lulu off. The boy tore through the cactuar nation in a spray of sand chanting, "Burnslikeheckburnslikeheckburnslikeheck..."as he plunged into the water.

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Nashiil is now accepting reviews in place of a much needed hug. (Glares at laptop.)


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry for the delay. It bites not having a computer! Oh well, enjoy!

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Title: Random Bits 5 – Chapter 4

**Sanubia Desert** – Unknown Oasis - Our heroes have spent the night in the safety of the Oasis. It was relatively uneventful aside from an opera of gastric noises, groans, and the distinctive sounds of digestive rebellion.

After spending the night fighting off return visits from their Sandwolf dinner, no one really wanted to think about food, but finding future food sources was necessary for continued survival. Wakka and Tidus devised a clever method of trapping fresh food. Waiting for something edible to wash up in a chest hadn't worked very well. (The cheeseburgers had been too soggy to eat and fish had nibbled on them anyway.)

The method involved one of them lying motionless on the ground for hours while Alcyone gathered overhead, then grabbing the first one to land close enough and beating it on the ground until it stopped moving. The tactic had worked great, that is until a Zu showed up. For larger prey, the men went out a ways from their haven and made a lot of distressed animal noises to attract hungry predators. They then led it back (i.e. running like the devil) to the oasis where Kimahri could leap out and kill it.

This plan too worked great for a while, but fiends aren't at the high end of the food chain because they are stupid and most of them began avoiding the oasis altogether. The next few days were filled with the tedium of subsisting on leftovers and listening to Wakka cry about starvation. Rikku spent most of those days trying to salvage the small mobile radio she found in the ship's storage room, but things weren't going well. Her curses of "Oh, _Poopie_!" could occasionally be heard from the sleeping area.

There were also the cactuars who kept showing up to leave flowers and small dead fiends for Lulu. Yuna, being brighter than most girls in the game/anime genre, decided to try the message in a bottle trick, but with a twist. She scribbled a polite message begging for help and rolled it into a tight tube. Valefor was Summoned and Yuna tied the note securely to the Aeon's leg. Valefor sulked as her Summoner fastened the note, not at all enthusiastic about being treated like a messenger pigeon. With a few final instructions from Yuna the Aeon launched into the air, circled a few times to get her bearings, and headed off towards civilization.

Yuna returned to the sheltering leaves of the palm trees and found Tidus squatting in the middle of a small covey of cactuars. She caught the mischievous glint in the boy's eyes and knew someone was in for it. That someone was probably Auron. Most definitely Auron. (Annoying Auron was almost as funny as annoying Kimahri, but a lot less dangerous.)

"Brace yourself." Lulu warned from her place beside the cook fire. The Black Mage had prudently set the cook fire as far away from the sleeping area as possible for two reasons. One, they didn't need to add to any more heat to the inferno during the day. And two, men like to barbeque and do so under the philosophy that the bigger the fire, the better the food. It was also the only time the four guys ever worked together without annoying each other.

Auron was currently stirring a fiercely boiling pot of Whatever Stew. (Whatever, as in whatever was left over from yesterday and whatever was found today.) Several unidentifiable and slowly re-hydrating lumps rose to the top of the sticky greenish broth just long enough to terrify the imagination (and gastrointestinal tract) before sinking back into the depths of the pot. Who knows what other horrors waited in the bottom of the pot. Wakka came up beside the pot and showed Auron a palm leaf full of strange green plants with long dangly roots. There was still a grub attached to one of the roots. "Drop it in, and find some more of those grubs." The older man said as the plants were slowly sucked under the surface of the stew.

Hearing Lulu's warning, Auron looked up and groaned inwardly, his brain screaming at him to run. He could run into the desert, or just jump into the sea and _walk_ home. He was dead after all, his mind reasoned, and you couldn't die twice. He was just beginning to agree with himself when a group of cactuars swept up and formed two rings around him, then began the Cactuar Dance.

"Dance my little friends!" Tidus crowed, joining in the cactuars' ridiculous dance as they orbited the Legendary Guardian.

Auron prayed to Yevon that the ground would open up and swallow him, or better yet, Tidus. Yevon was out at the moment, possibly answering the prayers of those who actually believed in him, because Auron's prayer went unanswered. Lulu, however, was in and taking requests. A bolt of lightning sent the cactuars scooting for home. Yuna and Rikku gasped in horror as the cloud of sand cleared to reveal a scorch mark, glass, and a pair of smoking sneakers.

Wakka bobbed over, nervous quail style, and cautiously prodded one of the shoes with a stick. Yuna didn't know what it was with men and poking things with sticks. They killed something and they poked it with a stick. Found a strange animal? Oh, just poke it with a stick. Someone chasing you? Hey, give him a poke with that stick. (It was, incidentally one of the two ways that early man unintentionally used to exterminate the unintelligent of his species. The second was fire. The third was the Mother-in-Law, but we won't go there.)

Auron glanced around. There was no sign of Tidus. _Self? _He asked cautiously

_Yeah?_

_I think he's really gone this time!_

_Yeeesss! Oh, no...wait. Darn...there his is._

Aruon's mental conversation ended with a salty word that would have soured ice cream, for the crybaby was trying to climb down the palm tree without his hands (seeing as they were full of coconuts).

Auron's hand closed around his sword, knowing that there would be the inevitable knockers joke. (He was Legendary for his skill, not his patience.)

"Hey! Gimme your sword." Tidus exclaimed breathlessly, snatching Masamune from Auron's hands, leaving the Unsent Guardian dumbstruck.

"I found food!"

"Wakka do something before Auron kills him and we have to listen to Jecht whine from the Farplane." Lulu said, using the stick Wakka had been using to prod him towards the boy. The older Guardian didn't look the least bit happy about the treatment of his sword.

"Hey brudda," The Auroch's captain said, strolling over to the stone the younger Guardian was using as a chopping block.

"You can't open those things with a sword. They're too hard, ya?"

"You're right. Its not hard enough." The youth said contemplating the statement for a few seconds, then cracking his friend over the head with the coconut. Wakka fell like a drunk shoopuff, landing with a Spira-quaking thud. The coconut thunked down a second after and split into two neat halves.

Coconut drinks, complete with decorative umbrellas, were served all around.

"Here Rikku." Tidus said, coming to stand under the palm tree the Al Bhed girl was crouched under. She was still fussing with the radio and giggled as she looked up at Tidus. The blond was wearing two coconut halves tied around his chest. He also had several palm leaves tied around his waist. ( He had been planning on getting everyone together for a dance, but Kimahri and Auron had refused to dress up in the grass skirts.)

"What's that?" She asked, squinting as the setting sun glinted off the shiny objects Tidus held out to her.

"Its a gum wrapper." He replied as Rikku gazed at the metallic strip in confusion. "You can use it to cap off the wires."

Rikku regarded the boy with something close to idolization, which had Wakka been conscious, he would have objected to. Idolization was against Yevon.

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If you leave a review, Tidus will dance in his coconuts for you! 


	5. Chapter 5

Well, this is the last chapter for RB 5. I hope you enjoyed the latest part in the Random Bits series. I just threw a bunch of ideas together as they struck me, so don't eat/drink while reading this one (You'll either choke with laughter or disappointment). Help yourselves to a big bowl of 'Whatever' stew and enjoy! (Or you could try the skin flakes.)

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Title: Random Bits 5 - Chapter 5 

**Sanubia Desert** – Unknown Oasis - It has been almost two weeks since the crash. Valefor returned with a message from Cid and the stranded companions are preparing to return to their ship to be rescued.

"Ewwww! Grody!" Rikku exclaimed, her face puckering in disgust as Tidus held out a skin flake. He had begun to peel a couple of days ago, and had been carefully cultivating the peeling skin. His goal was to peel off as big a chunk as possible. The one he had just pulled off his face was particularly impressive because it had come off, nearly in one piece. Of course the achievement had been too good to keep to himself, and Tidus just had to show it to everyone (unfortunately, while they were eating another batch of Whatever Stew).

The face flake had disappeared shortly after the viewing, and Lulu had the disturbing suspicion that it was tucked away in Yuna's things. (Probably filed under 'boyfriend's face'.) Thoroughly disgusted, the Al Bhed girl gathered up the remains of the mobile radio, which still needed work, and headed off to help the others pack up the camp.

Tidus shrugged at the inability of girls to appreciate the grosser things in life (like dirt, bodily functions, and the popular past-time of seeing how long one could go without changing underwear). The blond sighed and leaned into Yuna's hands as the summoner rubbed an unidentified vegetable secretion into his burnt skin. She had found a succulent plant growing by the water's edge and discovered that it was perfect for sunburn relief.

"That should do for a while." Yuna said with a smile when she was done. She chuckled as Tidus groaned in protest and flopped his head into her lap.

"We really should help the others pack." She said with a sternness that didn't fit the smile on her face as she petted his hair. She ignored the disapproving growl from Kimahri. Tidus sat up with a mischievous grin.

"You look a little sunburned, Yuna." He said reaching for the leftover plant lotion.

"Why don't you let me rub a little of ...!"

Tidus suddenly found himself unable to speak and it had nothing to do with the vision of loveliness that was Yuna. It had everything to do with the massive Ronso paw that was crushing his windpipe.

"Kimahri!" Yuna gasped as Tidus was yanked off his rump to dangle in front of the leonine face. Tidus' legs churned in their own attempt to escape, while his eyeballs tried to swivel around and face the inside of his skull, not wanting to look upon the sharp fangs that were bared inches from his face. Ever the diplomat, Yuna intervened.

"Come on Kimahri, " she said, placing a restraining hand firmly on the Ronso's arm.

"Let's go brush out your fur. You don't want mats do you?"

The heat of the desert had triggered the Ronso's natural shedding reaction. It was and inconvenience for everyone since Kimahri was quite itchy, and the slightest scratch sent fur drifting through the hot air and into the food and clothing of his companions. No one had wanted to share a tent with the Ronso and he was forbidden from swimming in the oasis pool. Lulu had not enjoyed the cup of hairy water she had with her breakfast.

With one last warning squeeze Kimahri dropped Tidus and allowed the summoner to lead him away. Moments later he was seated under a tree, kneading the sand in contentment while Yuna brushed him.

"Cats." Auron muttered to himself as the Ronso purred, Lulu risking death, or serious dismemberment, to scratch his chin.

"Such a good kitty." Auron sneered.

"All you need is a pretty pink diamond collar."

Had it been anyone else, they would have been nothing but bloody chunks under Kimahri's claws. Because the one-eyed guardian was his oldest friend, Auron got away with a bruising swat to the shoulder.

Once the personal grooming issues were dealt with the companions left the oasis behind. Cid had been located and had agreed to pick up his kid and her friends (in exchange for the credit of rescuing them and an interview on the evening news). Thus, Yuna and her guardians headed back to the Celcius to reclaim the nation of Crash Site, leaving behind a coconut half, a few skin flakes, and several clumps of discarded Ronso fur.

About two hours later they were running for their lives over the dunes.

"You had to do it, didn't you?" Lulu snapped as the enraged sandworm exploded to the surface of the desert a few feet closer.

"Don't kill him Lu!" Wakka pleaded, grabbing Lulu's moogle to prevent her from casting Fira on the boy.

"We're gonna need him to fight."

The black mage settled for giving him a smoldering glare so heated that it brought to mind the words 'flash burn'.

"Sandworms **do not **like to be used as trampolines." She smacked the teen on the forehead.

Earlier in their journey, like four minutes earlier, they had stumbled across a strange, bouncy patch of sand. The others were all for leaving it alone, but Tidus had immediately found it useful for entertainment purposes. Unfortunately the slumbering sand fiend did not appreciate the novelty that its soft, cushioning body presented.

"Here it comes." Auron said, drawing his Big sword and turning to face the fiend.

"You're a warrior monk. How 'bout taking a few prayer requests?" Wakka quipped, earning an amused grunt from the older man.

The sandworm reared up in front of the party with a shriek and slammed its massive body into the sand, shaking the desert floor. It was here that the worm made two mistakes. Mistake number one: It his Yuna. Kimahri bristled like an affronted cat and cast Darkness on the fiend. Then he thrust his spear into the sand and leapt with a roar.

The Ronso clawed his way up the sandworm to what he assumed was the back of its neck, and began tearing away at the thick skin and blubber with fangs and claws. The fiend shook its head, desperate to dislodge its attacker, and making a perfect opening for the others to move in. Wakka, Rikku, and Tidus, kept it busy so Auron could deal the heavier blows.

Attacked from all sides, the fiend began to wonder if 'unleashing its fury' had been a wise decision. It could have just scared the tiny humans a bit, shared a few laughs, then gone back to sleep. No, it had to throw its weight around, make a scene, and teach them all a lesson for disturbing the great-and-powerful sandworm. Now it found itself surrounded and attacked rather ferociously, with a high probability of leaving as a swarm of pyre-flies.

The sand-fiend shook its head violently, dislodging the tenaciously clinging Ronso and decided to deal with the creature that posed the biggest threat. Here the fiend made Mistake number two: It swallowed Auron. The fiend shrieked its victory, lunging at the offending human's stricken companions. It didn't quite have the affect the worm expected. One of the smaller females dealt it a crack on the mouthparts, while a second female Confused it.

The battle wasn't going as planned for the desert fiend, the human's companions fought more feverishly instead of fleeing in terror. It had multiple wounds, busted mouthparts, it was confused, and now it was starting to feel sick. (Being technically dead, Auron was ten years past his expiration.) The fiend put it all down to the horrible day it was having.

Seeing the fiend shudder and start to swell around what was possibly its stomach, Wakka urged everyone back. As they dove behind a handy dune, the fiend exploded in a rain of flaming chunks, the words 'Overkill' appearing in the air above it. Everyone stared in stricken silence, aside from the sizzling and popping of frying worm fat, hoping that the older guardian would appear. They went on waiting, searching every shadow in the billowing black smoke.

"Its the way he would have wanted to go." Wakka said, putting a hand on Yuna's shoulder. Yuna nodded in disconsolate agreement as Kimahri led her and a trembling Rikku away.

"Died good death." He rumbled with pride.

"Come on." Lulu said kindly to Tidus, who was glaring defiantly into the flames.

"Come on Old Man." The black mage heard him murmur as she tugged him towards his companions. The blond sighed and shuffled dejectedly behind her, sword trailing in the sand.

"Look!" Rikku cried, dashing back towards the carcass, bouncing like an excited puppy.

The following scene was one that many generations of sphere-makers spent their entire careers trying to achieve. Most of them spent long nights banging their heads on their desks in an attempt to shake the inspiration out. It was a scene that could only be achieved by the mind of a genius hermit that spends his days in a dark cave under the influence of sever kilos of illegal fungi and herbs, and is plagued by an imaginary friend named Bill. It played out as follows.

On cue the smoke dissipated enough to reveal a shadowy figure rising slowly to his feet to stand firmly in a dramatic pose. (One that suggested a tough battle only barely won through pure strength of will.) A breeze ruffled the figure's coat as he bent to retrieve his sword, a few errant pyre-flies drifting past him. After slinging the massive sword over his shoulder, and nodding to himself, the figure strode through the flames and smoldering bits of carcass as if he had all the time in the world. The black smoke cleared further to reveal Auron swaggering towards his companions. The scene was effectively ruined by a coughing fit.

The X's immediately rushed the unsent guardian and began fussing over him, their eyes glittering with awe. The other Y's stood around grumbling that they had fought hard too you know. They scowled as the older man stood patiently amidst the mod of females as if women throwing themselves at him was a daily occurrence. When he finally did rejoin the Y's, it was with a smug expression crouching on his face.

"Did you cry?" Auron teased Tidus, drawing derisive snort from the boy.

"As if. You can't kill what ain't dead."

"He was gonna cry." Wakka interjected, shoving Tidus playfully.

With the group reunited, the companions finished their trek back to the ship to wait for Cid. They listened for a few hours as Wakka whined about how hungry he was. By the end of the third hour, Lulu and Kimahri were both seriously contemplating murder. Of course Kimahri insisted that under Ronso Law, it would be considered a 'mercy killing'. Even Rikku was put off by the whining and chucked a sandball, made with a generous glob of machina oil, at Wakka and gave him a 'beh'. (You know, that thing anime characters do where they pull down an eyelid and stick out their tongues. The 'Beh'.)

The girl had a good arm, Auron thought with a touch of amusement. He noticed that the nation of Crash Site had split into two states. On the left was the state of Whinealot, which was in habited by a red-haired, beefy race whose current population was one. To the right was the state of Rapidlydwindlingpatience, which was inhabited by a hodgepodge of races existing in harmony, population six.

War broke out shortly after the birth of the two states when Rapidlydwindlingpatience had attacked by Whinealot. Sand flew back and forth over the border and killed a couple minutes of boredom (which happened to get caught in the line of fire). It also brought a brief respite to the whining, at least until Tidus got sand in his eyes. A cease-fire was called when Cid finally showed up.

Tidus sat next to Wakka on the bridge (he had drawn the short straw and been told that Bad Things would happen if he didn't sit next to his fellow guardian). The older man was finishing off the last streaks of pudding from the bowl. He had eaten the entire three course meal by himself, and had thoroughly inspected the leavings in case he had missed anything edible.

Auron leaned against the hallway bulkhead, relieved that they were leaving the awful desert. It would be another Mile Stone on his Highway of Life, to which would be attached a picture of himself wearing a T-shirt that displayed the words 'I survived'. There would also be a coconut bra, a miniature sandworm fiend souvenir, and several decaying skin flakes.

Wakka was still complaining of hunger. The X's were in a huddle near the Save/Play Blitzball/Return to Ship sphere, gossiping while Brother tried and failed to infiltrate their ranks. Tidus had learned from experience that when in a group, women were surrounded by a repulsion barrier. Anyone approaching uninvited instantly hit the barrier and was rebuffed. Brother experienced the effects first hand. Lulu glanced up as he approached and pinned him with a glare as sharp and stinging as any slap. The Al Bhed man reeled and wandered off, wondering what had just happened.

Tidus was watching Brother's attempts to get Yuna's attention when Wakka poked him for the fifteenth time in five minutes, and asked.

"Hey brudda, got any food?" With a flash of irritation, Tidus reached up and peeled off a large skin flake from his shoulder. With flawless innocence he held it up to Wakka and said.

"Wanna chip?"

End

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